Spontaneous Human Combustion and Martyrdom

September 18, 2010

This will be no taxonomy of self-immolators. Let others busy themselves with the creation of inscrutable hierarchies, like that of the angels, which become meaningful only in the presence of temporal lobe epilepsy. Briefly, though, I must qualify a special case of self-immolator, that of the smoker who falls asleep with a lit cigarette, and [...]

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Aquatic Oddities and the Engine of Perpetual Empathy

September 1, 2010

In college I often studied the motion of bubbles in a glass of beer. I drew on my emerging mathematical skills and my knowledge of physics to depict their journey in the form of an equation which I named The Beer Bubble Equation. It became a sculpture at which I chipped and polished from time [...]

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Awkward Moment

August 25, 2010

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You Are The Egg Man: Now Go on and Goo.

August 22, 2010

Periodically there occurs a grand alignment of food disasters that prompts me to lob criticism at the FDA. Usually I begin with something like “we need an agency whose overarching mission is to ensure the safety of our food and drugs.” This time I will attempt the unthinkable, tidying up a nexus of disasters with [...]

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Birds in Repose

August 21, 2010

I started making the Birds in Repose after I attended my sister’s wedding. She was radiant and especially beautiful that day, but she was dying. When I returned to Newport Beach, where I was staying overnight before my return to Manhattan, I did some shooting and I came across this, Bird in Repose Number One: [...]

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Treatment for ‘Planet of the Dogs’

August 16, 2010

As many of you know, I had been working on the treatment for Planet of the Dogs well before the passing of Mr. Heston. At that time we were going to have him reprise his role from Planet of the Apes.After the death of Mr. Heston we decided just to make a movie about a [...]

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The Eye

August 11, 2010

Come closer, until you can see my face reflected in the drop hanging portentously from the dropper. There I am, see? I’m waving at you, see? Very good. We’ve made eye contact. The drop at the end of the dropper. And now, into your eye! You blink. Blink! All is well. Some spills out and [...]

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Chapter the Seventh

July 16, 2010

Grant to Study Flea Behavior Backfires: Town Caught Off-guard By Plague Mayor Calls Outbreak ‘Containable.’ What was once heralded as a boon to town coffers has now turned into a boondoggle of town coughers. At a press conference in April of this year,  Dr. Jersey Vanderplinth spoke in vaulted tones when he announced he had [...]

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Chapter the Sixth

July 10, 2010

Briefly Noted The Smithston library, as part of its continuing social awareness sessions will be hosting ‘The Social Awareness Notion Commotion.’ This unflinching hip-hop theater troupe, which includes several amputee break-dancers, will be presenting their musical ‘Disfigured is Just Differently Figured.’ Several disfigured persons will be present to help audience members achieve compassion and empathy. [...]

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Chapter the Fifth

July 1, 2010

Garden Club Meeting Erupts In Melée The Summer Season meeting of the Smithston Garden Club ended in tragedy last night after President Dan Daly unexpectedly issued an executive order barring several popular varieties of Begonia from the Anal Growers’ Competition. Upon hearing the ruling, Mrs. Julia Lutefiske, a lifelong Smithston resident, leapt from her front-row [...]

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